5 Ways to Raise Your Child’s Self Esteem
Why is self-esteem so important?
What is self-esteem anyway?
I when you feel loved and accepted. I the feeling inside you that makes you feel you are worthwhile.
I the root of confidence and happiness.
If you have low self esteem it's responsible for every bad choice you ever made.
For your debt, your job you hate, the bad relationship one after the other.
Drink, drugs and sex with people you barely know -? how many people do you know with this affliction?
Do you think self-esteem is important now?
It starts with the person as a child; as a parent i easy to make this a habit with your children, and the difference it will make in their lives is incredible!
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Praise them
For every one negative comment it takes 10 positive comments to wipe it out.
Count up how many negative comments you make in a day compared to positive ones.
I understandably difficult because as parents we are training our children to be good people and to be socially acceptable. To do so we have to correct their behavior on what can sometimes feel like a minute-to-minute basis.
The best way to train your children is to lead by example and get them to join in and help you.
Telling them to do something that you would not do almost never works.
If you tell them to tidy their room but your house is a mess, its not going to work. If however you ask them to help tidy their room with you and give them little jobs to help you with round the house that you can do together, it will be much more effective.
Make sure every night you praise them. Praise every tiny little thing they do.
If they did something you didn?t like start with that. Make the first thing you say the negative thing and get it out the way then follow with the positive things. Never say more than three negative things even if you can think of lots more, always keep it to no more than three negative comments. Start by saying something along the lines of, ?when you shouted at your sister today I didn?t like it. Tha not who you really are. It upset her and I know you love her. It was very good that you realized quickly and gave her a hug. That made her feel happy and it made you feel happy too. Well done! I also was very proud when you picked up your shoes and put them in the cupboard and when you did your homework so well. I love you so much for who you are and who you are becoming!?
This only takes a few minutes at night time or anytime during the day. If you have a couple of minutes get into the habit of telling them. This alone will make a huge difference in their self-esteem.
I do this at least twice a day with my kids and it really makes a huge difference.
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Find out how they feel loved and show them in that way.
People feel loved in different ways. There is a great book called ?the five love languages? by Gary Chapman.
It outlines that people need 5 different ways to feel loved but one will be stronger than the rest.
The five ways are;
- Affirmations- being told they are loved/Writing notes to them saying you love them.
- Acts of service; i.e. taking them to classes, picking them up. Doing things for them, cleaning their room etc.
- Touch – being hugged or held.
- Having quality time together.
- Gifts- nicely wrapped presents.
The way to find out what your child needs to feel loved is ask them.
?How do you know I love you??
They will say the strongest way they feel first.
?I know because you buy me nice presents sometimes or I know because you tell me.?
People / children need a mix of all of these things to feel loved but one will be stronger.
Sometimes we don't connect with one of our children because we usually give them what we need to receive, so if we feel loved by touch and we need to be hugged, but our child needs to hear it or have quality time, you can see why both parent and child feel unloved.
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Make them feel secure
This sounds easy and really it is. I all about being mindful of your words around children.
Children don't really understand when you are joking about things. For example I helped a parent who had a lot of problems with a child and when I listened to the dialogue between the two of them the parent was always messing around. The parent would say things to the child like, ?I still have the receipt for you and I can take you back at any time if you don't behave.?
Children need to know you will love them no matter what.
They need to know they can make mistakes and still be loved.
I say to my children regularly, ?I love you no matter what. I prefer it when you are happy, but I love you even when you grump at me or shout at me. I would rather you didn?t do these things but I love you no matter what. I love you even when I shout at you. I love you even when I am angry at something you have done, but I will always love you.?
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Be involved in their lives
I am a firm believer of getting to know their friends. Have them round and in an unobtrusive way, keep an ear on the dialog between them.
When you just ask your children questions they forget most of what you want to know so its not always a good measure of what is really going on.
When you are around your children and their friends you are part of everything and the children will talk to you as if you are one of them.
Most of the time, as parents we are very busy. Busy with work, cleaning, taking children to classes, being a taxi cab dropping off picking up being cook, waiter and everything else on a daily basis but its very important to make time to let them teach you how to do things that they are interested in. For example, let them teach you how to play a video game that you may or may not have an interest in, or listen to them tell you about what Jimmy said to Johnny and what Sally did to Annie. This makes your children feel special and feel they can come and talk to you about anything at anytime. They feel heard by you.
As your children get older they will include you in the things they do and say as habit.
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Never judge
This one goes hand in hand with the previous one.
If you judge when your child tells you something they will stop telling you things.
If you listen quietly and only give advise if asked for you will learn more, not just from your children but from everyone. Husbands very much included on this one!
I would tell my mum something as a child and even now if I tell her things as an adult, the first words out her mouth are what I should have done or said. It always makes me feel I am unable to do the right things, so I stopped telling her anything I know she will react to in that way.
I not easy to change yourself at first. You will catch yourself doing it the more you listen to yourself and then you can begin to stop yourself judging and learn to listen.
Your kids will tell you everything.
I never give my children a row if they tell me the truth. From being very young, I always let them understand its ok if they tell me the truth but if they fib they will get into trouble. They are in a habit now of knowing its ok to talk to me openly.
This is one of the ways to give them confidence to avoid abuse, as abusers often make the child feel ashamed to talk to anyone and lead the child to believe that no-one will believe them.
My daughter played with a child who had parents I was suspect of. Because of a few things that had happened, I instructed my daughter never to go into this child?s house ever.
When my daughter was in the street playing with 5 or 6 children, this particular child with the suspect mother wanted to go home to get a jacket. All the children went round with her and the mother invited them all into the house.
My daughter said ?no thanks? and the mother pressed her for why. My daughter said, ?I'm not allowed to go into your house? and the mother said ?its ok, we?ll not tell your mum. It will be our little secret.? My daughter ran home and told me.
I took her to ?toys r us?, as a reward and praised her for being so strong and clever.
Start now to build your children's self esteem. I the best gift you can give them.
Editor's note: Catherine Muir has written a wonderful book for children, aimed at raising their self-esteem – it's called Scarlett Underpants Meets the Tooth Fairy. Do check it out at http://www.scarletunderpants.com and on Amazon. Every child should have a copy!