A (fairly) recent experience has made me look at love a little differently.
I love love. Always have.
But luckily I'm not naturally 'in need of' the love you see in the movies.
Not in need of someone to look after me, hold my hand or even fall asleep next to.
I've had relationships where I've tried so hard to conform to the normal idea of what a relationship should be that I became a shell of myself. Unhappy. Not wearing makeup, not allowing myself to feel good about myself. I was filled with doubt and I was absolutely and categorically depressed.
(this is the worst feeling in the world)
And sparked my realisation that I'd rather wake up alone than regret waking up next to someone I'd just settled for.
I'm fairly independent.
If someone tells me I can't do something I will prove them wrong.
I also cannot be around that doubt.
I like to determine my own day. My own week... Hell, my own life.
Giving all of that up to consider someone else honestly scares me.
Well, scared me. A while ago I found that person that I was not scared to be with.
It wasn't 'movie love'.
It was excellent connection, great sex, our own unique brand of romance and laughter.
As strange and ego driven as it sounds, it was like meeting the male version of myself.
Determined, driven, busy, hectic, passionate and ridiculous in the best way possible.
It was intense.
It didn't work out.
Was it love?
Yes it was.
How do I know?
Because this cold, heartless B***h who turns down practically every offer of a date just because... I still think about him, every single day. Hearing from him feels like a long lost family member reaching out after years of searching for them.. All of that love stuff- getting butterflies and feeling happy.
Of course I date people now. I'm not cutting myself off from the possibility of finding that connection again.
I really do want him to find happiness too.
The reason I don't regret meeting him is due to the fact that despite it not working out- I felt it again. That feeling that you only ever feel when someone else totally owns your heart- and that's amazing.
(Allowing yourself to be that vulnerable is, without doubt a MASSIVELY brave act in itself right?)
It means that if a man can thaw the heart of this career driven, irrational, constantly distracted, love phobic, self assured,
Poor attention span having woman-
When the time is right, It will find me again.
Loving someone else without knowing and loving themselves first is the most hopeless thing a person can do. Nothing worth having comes easy.
Nothing is hopeless, life is happening for us to teach us what we need to prepare us for what is coming.
Stay open. Know your value.
Love is everywhere.
Real love from one SHW to another.