In society we are sometimes taught to be selfless, not selfish. The word selfish can sometimes conjure up negative connotations. It can be deemed bad to appear to be putting your needs before others. This perception seems to be the norm. But why is the norm deemed to always be the best way?
Important life lesson: “You’re number one”
When I was younger I was watching the movie “City Slickers” with my father, and one of characters turned to Billy Crystal’s character and asked if he knew what the most important life lesson was. At the same time, my dad had responded with, “you are number one”. Like many concepts in life, it could be argued that at a deep level we know the answers. But sometimes we may not be very aware of them. That is where life coaches or other forms of therapy may come into play. Going back to “you are number one”, I did not fully understand what this meant. This may have been due to my young age. Not to say that the young are not wise; sometimes they can be very “acute” with their observations. They see things in a very clear and uncomplicated way.
So what does it mean putting your self as number one? As with a lot of relationships, this starts with self-love. At one level, it may be easy to satisfy our basic needs. We would not question the need to feed ourselves by saying that there are people out there who are hungry, so therefore we should not eat. We all need food for nourishment. Thus there are situations where we need to put ourselves first. How about other areas of our life: day-to-day life, work, relationships and pastimes?
“Everyone wants to feel love”
Some individuals are born with a strong sense of who they are, and decide to live life on their terms and be happy. Others may not feel so confident and carefree, and instead want to live by the rules – do what seems to be the right thing – follow the norm. Why do they conform to this? They do this because they want to feel accepted and loved. But people forget that they need to love themselves, and not get lost in pleasing others. How often have you come across the statement, “I need to go find myself”? If you put other people’s needs before yourself constantly, then you may wake up one day and discover that you do not know who you are. What it is that you want. Life is short, is it not better to be happy? This is not to say that by doing selfless acts, helping others would not enrich your soul. You can still do this. Think of phrases like charity begins at home, God helps those who help themselves. So first you need to start with you.
The Yes man
So to please others, a person may get in the habit of saying yes when they really want to say no. Like with habits both good and bad, once you get into the pattern, it may be difficult to break. So how do you change this habit? By being honest with yourself and asking whether the situation is serving you. Asking whether you are betraying yourself, making yourself feel unhappy? Please beware of how your energy is being picked up by the people surrounding you. For example, a child will pick up on a parent who is unhappy.
Give and take
Yes in life we may sometimes appear to make a compromise in relationships, but we do not need to compromise on our own happiness. We are born on our own and we will die on our own. On your deathbed, will you be saying “I wished I put the needs of others before myself?”
Question: If you had to look back at your life, what would be the number one lesson you learnt?
