This is probably one of the most asked questions to do with relationships, whether it is someone looking for a person to spend their life with, or even for those couples who have been together for some time and have found that they have fallen out of love, or that they are no longer so passionate about each other, and behave more like room-mates than like lovers.

It is a mistake to think that you can actually force someone to alter their feelings towards you in your favour, and it is equally a mistake to think you can’t influence someone’s feelings. Now in case you think I just contradicted myself, let me explain.

We can’t change anyone – to think that we can will lead us down a path of frustration, annoyance and even hopelessness when it doesn’t work. It is possible to believe we have changed someone in the short-term, however they will always go back to the way they were because the change wasn’t initiated within them. In other words, such changes are not sustainable.

We can only really change ourselves – and it is this change in ourselves that can effect a change in someone else. By observing, understanding, and consciously changing our own behaviour when we need to see a change in others can create seemingly magical transformations in our partners, our children, our friends and relatives – yes, even in total strangers.

What can we do to effect a change in someone then? First of all we have to take responsibility for our communication and our ways of getting what we want. Secondly, we need to understand what it is the other person really needs, not what we think they need or should do or is good for them. Satisfying others’ needs in the way that has meaning for them is the only way to effect long-term, ecological and sustainable change in others.

Master this skill in your life and not only will your intimate relationships change, but all of your relationships in the world will be transformed!