With love being the true foundation of any real relationship, it makes sense to develop that love with ourselves before we move to establishing loving relationships with others.

As a woman in her late forties and having experienced some rather wild younger years, I am now able to reflect on the disastrous relationships that had, and see that they all had one common denominator – that I was looking for someone else to love me, as I had very little love for myself.

This resulted in me entering relationships from a point of need and therefore placing pressure on my partner to deliver the one thing I was not willing to build for myself. Love.

Needless to say these relationships did not have any true foundation and because of my need I always seemed to pick a man who was unable to deliver the love I craved.

I ended up wounded and feeling even worse about myself.

And so the cycle continued as I then had to resume the search to fill the gap that I was feeling, in my unwillingness to fill it myself. Wow, that felt exhausting to write but I feel it shows the level of exhaustive behaviour that such a way of being ensues.

Now for the turn around – By the time I got to my forties and even after a 10 year marriage, I was still craving love from someone else and I finally realised that it was not going to be delivered.

I had to make some changes.

Here is where I started to take a really good look at myself and explore the possibility that I had to build a loving relationship with myself before I was able to embark on a loving relationship with another.

Lets face it, if I don't know what lovingly supports me how on earth can I know what loving support from another feels like?

This was a revelation and one that was inspired by attending a workshop presented by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.

Here for the first time I was presented with the news that I have a deep and untarnished foundation of love inside me that is a true support first and foremost for myself and then all others. This concept had evaded me up until this point, as I'd felt that it was about everybody else first and me last. I came to realise that it is not selfish to take care of me, and that in doing so I am actually more supportive to others.

Now this was an interesting path to tread as I explored more deeply how to take loving care of myself. I did this by being gentle with myself and ensuring that I was motivated in any task from how ‘I really felt' and not from another’s expectation or from any requirement of what I thought they wanted from me.

This was the start of revelatory change, as from this point I started to get to know myself a little better; right to the point that when someone asked me “what do you enjoy doing” I could actually answer instead of having to think about it.

I took some time to be single along with attending more Universal Medicine presentations and as the relationship with myself developed more fully I felt able to begin again and joined an internet dating site. I met a man (who is now my husband) and this time around I can actually say that we work at having a loving relationship with each other, as we are both committed to loving relationships with ourselves.

I say ‘work at' but I could really say we are ‘committed to', because I have discovered that love is an ever deepening quality to develop in our daily lives. I don't profess to be perfect in this but there is a willingness in choosing to be loving in the things I do. This translates to me taking loving care of myself and treating myself with love and respect, and from this point I am able to offer this love and care for another. This is not only reserved for my intimate relationships but with all those interactions and relationships I have with others during the course of my day.

A work in progress, but a great way to support myself and those around me in developing ‘Real Relationships'.

About the author

Beverley Bulmer

I am a woman in my late forties and I love exploring the intricacies of what makes us tick. I am passionate about connecting with people and enjoy working in a busy reception area where I have lots of opportunities to meet people.

I have trained in massage and enjoy the tenderness this type of massage brings to women, especially the facial part of the massage that never fails to bring deep relaxation to the recipient.

I love writing about how I feel in a way that has the potential to offer support to others, especially women. My writing is generally from my lived experience and how I perceive the world in all its many colours. I feel I have so much to share, as I am a woman who lives, loves and learns along the way.

• Becoming a Mother