You’ve Fallen In Love With Your Partners Potential… Now What?

Each relationship has its own dynamics. The language of love between a couple is unique to that union, no one knows how it feels to be in that relationship except for those two people. I believe when two people meet; there is a chemical reaction and it either works or it doesn’t. When it works, everything just clicks! And when it doesn’t then sometimes we keep trying different combinations and hope that one day it will all work out.

I have seen many people fall into that trap of ‘one day things will change…’, or ‘ If only (s)he didn’t do that…’ too often we keep trying to convince ourselves that things will get better one day. I too have spent many years living such statements… Only later I realised that someday and one day are not the days of the week and if things were meant to change, they would have changed years ago without me having to convince myself to stay in hope.

After struggling for years to try and make my relationship work, I decided to declare it complete.

Needless to say it was one of the most challenging decisions of my life. I found it hard to get out of the trap that my mind had laid for me that said, ‘try harder’. I felt if I gave up, I would be a failure and what would people think of me. So many times we find ourselves in a situation where deep down in our hearts we know that the relationship is an illusion but dare not admit it. This is when we enter the “danger zone” of falling in love with our partners potential.

I have had many clients, both men and women who had come to me with their hearts filled with disappointment. Often speaking the same words, claiming that they were “hoping things would change….” but as the sessions progressed we started to uncover that their partner did not change but rather revealed their true self.

My client’s reality had become clouded by their vision of the future that they lost sight of the person that was standing in front of them. It is very common for people to show their absolute best in the beginning of the relationship but at the same time it is very hard to keep up with a facade. In the same breath, I also feel that people don't often say what they cannot perceive to be true for themselves; however most of the time they are not aware of their own inconsistency. This creates interference in the relationship as what they think of themselves is usually different as to how they are showing up.

Most relationships go through this cycle until one person becomes aware of what is really happening. From my own personal experience and supporting hundreds of people with theirs, I came to see a common theme that we all experience. Through those themes are common signs that give us a clue about our relationship – we are just required to become aware and pay attention.

I have shared the signs that are a giveaway that you have entered the danger zone of ‘being in love with your partner’s potential’…

1. You find yourself making excuses for his/her behaviour.

‘He forgot my birthday, he must be under a lot of pressure from work’, ‘she made fun of me in public, she just gets carried away’…

These are the thoughts that goes through our minds when we are in that zone. Making excuses for their behaviour so that we don't have to feel the hurt or disappointment because it would me we
have to accept that they had let us down.

2. You feel an emptiness or a void even when you are with him/her.

This void often shows up as frustration and annoyance at their actions. When small actions trigger a huge argument it’s a sign that there is a void in the relationship and it is being filled with anger, hurt and disappointment. The void is really the gap between who you think (s)he is and who they are showing up as.

3. You keep fantasizing about a perfect future.

This is a very common sign my clients experienced, they tended to focus on how ‘it will get better’, ‘things will change’ or ‘(s)he will change’. It comes from being in denial of the present. Many times we want our relationship to be perfect so desperately that we ignore the subtle signs of the present hurt.

If you have experienced the above scenarios or any other that has made you feel uncomfortable about your relationship, then the following steps will help you to recognise the “danger zone” and
give you the tools to make a decision of either work on it and resolve the interference or declaring it complete and moving on. You won’t know what to do unless you have done your absolute best to give the relationship your 100%.

STEP 1 – Have a reality check:

Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom. Unless you are being honest with how you are feeling, you won’t be able to do something about it. The first step is to start being true to your feelings. This will hurt you at first but it will bring a sense of relief when you realise that you were chasing an illusion.

Make a note of all the times when your partner hurt you, disappointed you and angered you.

Remember that the more honest you are with your self the more value you will get as a result of going through this process.

STEP 2 – Express:

The reason why relationships break down is because of miscommunication and misunderstanding.

This step is all about expressing those emotions that you have felt with your partner and never had the space to express. In this step we create the space of expression by writing a letter to your partner and expressing how you feel about them. Tell them about all the unfulfilled promises, all the disappointment and hurt. When you have completed the letter write, even though I am hurt, I forgive you and set myself free. Thank you.

Now burn the letter and imagine all the feelings are burning away with it.

STEP 3 – Heal:

I believe that every relationship has a higher purpose, There is a reason why we pick the partners we do. There is a lesson we need to learn as a result of going through that relationship. The reason why we are usually unable to see the lesson is because we are too involved with the emotions of how that relationship is making us feel instead of going deeper and asking what is this teaching me?

After going through the above steps and releasing the emotions from the relationship, you are now ready to learn the lesson that relationship was teaching you.

Now ask yourself the following questions:

What qualities have I learnt as a result of being in this relationship?
(patience, compassion, forgiveness, self love etc)

Who did I become as a result of this relationship:
(forgiving, patient, kind etc)

Once you have answered the above, go through the following process:

Imagine your partner in your mind’s eye as if they are standing in front of you. Say to them:

“Thank you for teaching me the lesson of (fill the blank with what you’ve learnt). I appreciate your efforts for teaching me these lessons. I have learnt these lessons now so you no longer need to continue these actions. With love, I let go of any vows, promises, contracts, decisions, agreements that I made to you or you made to me that no longer serves us. I declare our karma complete and release the past. Thank you.”

Now, Imagine light is entering your partner’s body and they are fully becoming enlightened by receiving the completion of your lesson.

These steps are very profound and will help you to dissolve the “danger zone” and will give you the ability to see the relationship for what it truly is – a way for you to grow and evolve.

Life is a seamless maze with lessons and experiences that are there to help us grow and each relationship does exactly that. Once we see every relationship from that point of view it will keep
the relationship in perspective and will allow you to enjoy it and make the most of the journey.