< Previous—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. ― BRENÉ BROWNEmbracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy RELEASE THE FEAR OF LOSINGBy Allie Chambers said Mrs. Kadet, my beloved first grade teacher. I hurried to my cubby, found a tissue and blew my nose. Weird, I thought, because my nose did not need blowing. I realized decades later that Mrs. Kadet was telling me to scram because she had tired of my racing to be the first student finished, thus becoming her obstacle in getting a moment’s rest. This is my first recollection of being competitive. Since then, my competitive nature has intensified. During my high school basketball days, I would allow myself to go home after practice only if I’d made certain 3-point shots from around the court. o blow your nose, Allison,” GHOW TOICould I outlast her? Out-lift her? If she was doing cardio, I would continue until she quitfirst, no matter that I’d been exercising well before she’d arrived. Admittedly, all my major injuries came from my need to compete. As a personal trainer, I found ways to compete at work. I would challenge a client to beat me in a ‘wall sit’, where the person leans back on a wall, simulating a seated position. “If you out-last me, I’ll give you a complimentary session,” I would tease. In case your curiosity is piqued, no one ever beat me in a wall sit! f I was at the gym, I would randomly pick a fit-looking girl and silently compete with her. I would even compete against myself. When I warmed up water for tea, I’d set the microwave to 90 seconds and race to complete whatever checklist I had concocted. Could I finish loading the dishwasher AND take out my pills for the next day before the timer rang? Or maybe return a text AND clean the countertops? Always rushing. Always competing. It was exhausting on many levels, so I decided that it was time to learn more about this topic. Competition in and of itself is not negative. I took solace that there are some benefits ofa healthy competitive attitude: It advances the human civilization. If there were no competition, we would have never landed on the moon. National pride was the main reason we even went to the moon. We simply had to show our biggest competitor, Russia, that we are number one. It drives people to achieve. People who are highly competitive typically persevere until they reach their desired goals. It teaches us. We can learn how to be good losers or gracious winners. It’s natural. Competition is a drive we’ve inherited from millions of years of evolution.Still, everything has a dark side and being overly competitive is no exception. It can harm your relationships with family, friends, and co-workers. It can rob you of the chance to enjoy many wonderful things in life. The Urban Dictionary doesn’t sugar coat it’s definition of someone who is ultra-competitive: A person who is big pain in the ass because they make everything a competition. Ouch! I redoubled my efforts to avoid being labeled by this unpleasant definition. Thankfully, this landed me on the path to Stoicism and Buddhism. A school of philosophy founded in Athens in the early 3rd century BC, Stoicism was famously practiced by Epictetus, Seneca, and Marcus Aurelius. The “goal” of stoic teachings is to help the individual move past reaction to external events andfind true peace of mind. What would Marcus Aurelius express about being competitive? Simply this: Winning isn’t in your control. Trying your best is. The world’s fourth-largest religion, Buddhism originated in Ancient India sometime between the 6th and 4th centuries BCE. Buddhists believe that being ‘well, happy, and peaceful’ comes from practicing ‘mindful thinking’. And, there’s no way around the fact that competitiveness is a fear- based emotion. It means to pay attention on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally. Buddha would remind you to ‘Be here, now’. The wisdom of these two ancient philosophies gave me hope. As I altered my mindset, my goals changed, too. I focused more on my breathing, which enabled me to stay more consistently in the moment and to resist racing against an imaginary stopwatch. I chose to ‘play my own game’ and do my best as opposed to comparing myself to others. It’s an ongoing process. I was doing well, then yesterday I walked into a new gym and immediately felt the rush of adrenaline that only competition can generate. Recently I found a box of mementos, which included my elementary report cards. I carefully opened each one and read my teachers’ comments. ‘Allison is a cooperative student who is eager to complete assignments,’ from my third-grade teacher. ‘Allison needs to work more slowly’, from my fifth-grade teacher. And then I read Mrs. Kadet’s comments. She wrote, ‘I would like to see a more relaxed child’. Me too, Mrs. Kadet. I’m working on that. Mindfulness has been described as bringing one’s complete attention to the present experience in the moment. VULNERABLE AND OKBy Anne Watkins Embracing your vulnerability and coping with whatever life throws at you doesn’t always come easily. Why should it? Feelings of vulnerability can be challenging to cope with even on a good day. On a bad day they can be debilitating, stopping you from stepping out into the world for fear of feeling judged, rejected or even unloved. Occasional feelings like this are perfectly normal of course. We all take refuge from time to timebehind our inner walls of protection as we search for a sense of safety and control. The trouble is these same walls of limiting beliefs can become your prison if you start to believe in them. HOW TO BEStrangely enough the trick here is to lower your defences rather than raising them. Take the case of junior manager Jemma, for example. Her feelings of insecurity and vulnerability were stopping her applying for promotion. Even though she knew that on the other side of her fears lay solid opportunities for growth and fulfilment, she was struggling to move forward. “They’ll see straight through me” she said. “What if I make a fool of myself, or come across as weak?” As a coach, I work with stories like this all the time. And as in Jemma’s case the first step to finding your strength is to have the courage to acknowledge your feelings and talk about them. Here are 3 key questions I often ask my coaching clients. They give you a quick way to highlight any limiting beliefs that may be holding you back. Try asking them for yourself. Don’t pre-judge your answers, just observe whatever messages your deeper mind would like to share with you today. If feeling vulnerable is starting to be your norm, then it’s most definitelytime to take action and regain control. 1What opportunities have I lost, or avoided because I wasn’t willing to be vulnerable? 2What would happen if I were able to take risks and deal with the consequences? What would be different? 3What do I need to ask for help with today? SBut what else can you do? Asking for help is never a weakness. But if seeking out professional help is a step too far, then here are a few self-help tips to point you in the direction of greater empowerment and inner strength. elf-awareness and a willingness to listen to the messages of your heart is always the first step in embracing your vulnerability.Stop negative self-talk in its tracks. As soon as you hear yourself saying something self-depreciating, make a conscious effort to replace that inner talk with something that is kinder and more truthful. Remember you are already OK, just as you are. Make it a daily practice to watch out for limiting core beliefs that trip you up and keep you playing small. Often these beliefs stem from childhood, or previous negative experiences. You can’t change what you are not aware of, so each time you spot one of these negative beliefs quietly congratulate yourself for the opportunity to change and move forward. Keep going with baby steps. Transforming deeply engrained feelings of vulnerability won’t happen overnight. You’ll need a genuine desire to have the strength, courage and resilience that can arise from this new level of openness and trust. And you will need to practice. But you will get there. 123Next >