< PreviousSMART HEALTHY WOMEN MAGAZINE - PAGE 9THE PERFECT DATE NIGHTby Emily ChadbourneThe perfect date night. Jeez! The pressure of that state-ment makes my butt cheeks sweat!Now I’m not saying that perfect date nights aren’t obtainable, but there’s some saying about best laid plans … and some-thing about them not really working out? Whatever, my point is that often high expectations lead to bitter disappointments.And a bitter disappointment leads to an argument, which leads to one of you sleeping on the sofa and a ruined date night.Before I go on, let me make it clear that I am in no way, shape or form giving you a note to hand to your teacher to get you out of PE… You still have to plan a great date. But let’s take the pressure off a little here friends.Planning a great date, whether it’s your first, 5th or 50th can be exciting, romantic and, well frankly petrifying!{First dates are in a league of their own. They’re like a separate species with whole archives of research, data and volumes of books dedicated to the art of them. So that’s a topic for another time.} PAGE 10 - SMART HEALTHY WOMEN MAGAZINEI will assume that any date referred to from here on in is with someone you’ve; a) metb) like andc) have more in common with than Joan from accounts.So, let’s presume that you’ve got the date in the diary.Maybe you’ve had to arrange a babysitter, dog sitter, or someone to come and keep your flatmate Marcus company for the evening while you go out and actually have a life.aThe best dates aren’t those that push your credit limit!aaaNow, for a perfect date you could do any of the following… ¾Book a fancy restaurant (unless you can’t afford fancy. Also, McDonalds is not a restaurant.) ¾A guy could rock up with flowers (unless either of you has hay fever.) ¾Depending on which city/state/country you live it, you could arrange for a window table at a Sky View bar for after dinner drinks (unless one or both of you doesn’t drink.) ¾You should always make sure you’re well dressed (unless your date demands a certain uniform… And no, I don’t mean a kinky uniform… I was thinking Go Kart racing or something of that ilk.) ¾Moonlight at some point is preferable so always try and arrange a date around a full moon (unless one of you is a werewolf.) ¾Some kind of string instrument should be serenading you at some pont (unless one of you prefers Heavy Metal.) ¾ Ideally you should visit Paris (unless you live in Paris in which case, you’re just knocking around at home.) ¾And really there should be brilliant warm sunshine; and freezing snow; and a sunrise but you should also dance under the stars, which is tough to orchestrate in one date (unless you’re God.)SMART HEALTHY WOMEN MAGAZINE - PAGE 11So really, it’s all a bit tricky this perfect date stuff (proper butt sweat happening now!)It’s all so objective and so dependent on you and your partner and circumstances. But before you lose all hope, I can tell you this.The best dates aren’t those that push your credit limit; or have rules around what you can and can’t talk about (no kid talk, no work talk, no house talk, no gossip talk… Seriously, what do you talk about?!); or adhere to the Hollywood rules of romance.Before I officially started studying human behaviour (and relation-ships more specifically), I worked through my university years and beyond in hospitality. ‘DATES’ I’VE SEEN -I’VE SEEN YOUNG PEOPLE ON DATES WHO SPENT THE WHOLE TIME ON THEIR PHONES.GI’VE SEEN MARRIED COUPLES EAT IN SILENCE LIKE STRANGERSGI’VE SEEN OLD COUPLES SIT IN A BOOTH CUDDLING UP NEXT TO EACH OTHER AND HOWLING WITH LAUGHTER WHILST HOLDING HANDSGI’VE SEEN COUPLES FIGHT, STORM OFF IN THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF EACH OTHER, THEMSELVES AND THEIR REVERED ‘DATE NIGHT’ PAGE 12 - SMART HEALTHY WOMEN MAGAZINEHere’s the real deal about date nights.The location is irrelevant. You could book a babysitter and a posh restaurant or have a carpet picnic on your living room floor after the kids have gone to sleep. You can dress up in designer clothes or lie in bed naked. You could eat, see a show, ride a horse or take a walk.None of it matters.The real ingredient, the magic potion, the thing that makes something ‘perfect’ is how much you listen. How present you are with the one you love.Love and romance isn’t about replicating what you see in the movies.It’s about being thankful, kind and generous to your partner.Listen when she speaks.Encourage him when he needs it.Hold her when she’s sad.Appreciate him for all he does.Understand her, but don’t try to fix her.Be present and hold that space sacred.aaaSMART HEALTHY WOMEN MAGAZINE - PAGE 13aaaThat energy; that love; that is where your perfect date lies aaa PAGE 14 - SMART HEALTHY WOMEN MAGAZINE Of all the things in life, relationships really test our trust, patience and energy. Just think back to a time when you reacted to your partner angrily? Maybe that one time when he askedyou “Where’s dinner?” after you’d spend the whole day supporting your friend through a difficult break-up, and felt emotionally exhausted.In the past, my level of patience and how I responded to situations similar to this used to be determined by how tired I was or what kind of a day I’d had. But over the years, the more I owned up to my own reactions, the more I made relationship challenges easier for myself and consequently, for my whole family.HOW TO QUANTUM LEAP YOUR RELATIONSHIPby Suzi PetrozziSMART HEALTHY WOMEN MAGAZINE - PAGE 15To truly give relationships a chance to become stronger and healthier, there is one rule which must be followed: let go of the expectation that your partner needs to change!Instead of focusing on what you cannot control it’s much more empowering to focus on what you can control. And the only thing that you can control is how you respond to a situation or another person. The more you try to change someone, the more they’ll get defensive and close off.The more you choose to take responsibility for your part of the relationship equation, the more you can allow space for your partner to reflect on his or her own behaviour.The more you try to change someone, the more they’ll get defensive and close offaaa PAGE 16 - SMART HEALTHY WOMEN MAGAZINEHere are some ways to start building new ways of relating to your partner and help you let go of the expectation that your partner needs to change, whilst empowering yourself:1 ACCEPT that no relationship is perfect In the imperfection there is room for relationships to evolve into something better.2 BREATHE out negative emotionsWhen you are feeling angry, upset or resentful, practice this simple breathing technique: breathe in through your nose and breathe out through your mouth. Breathing out through the mouth switches on your parasympathetic nervous system to help you slow down your heart rate and breathing, decrease your blood pressure and help your intense emotions start to resolve.SMART HEALTHY WOMEN MAGAZINE - PAGE 173 ACKNOWLEDGE the positive things in your relationships and build on theseDoing this over time will give you a greater sense of appreciation for what you have. A nice way to do this is to thank your partner for something he or she did did e.g. making dinner on a night when you had to work late.4 OPEN yourself to the possibility of change. Be honest with yourself about how you might be stopping the relationship from moving forward. Remember, it takes two to tango.For example, maybe you feel like you have to have the last word in arguments. Ask yourself why you do this? Why is it important for you to have the last word? Keep unpacking these questions until you get to the bottom of it. It may be that you feel like you need to be in control of your life because you feel that people cannot be trusted. This is an unhealthy belief and can stop your relationship from moving forward. PAGE 18 - SMART HEALTHY WOMEN MAGAZINEThe sooner you can be open about how and why you respond in certain ways, the sooner you can start to change your sabotaging behaviours and beliefs so they no longer define you or your relationship.5 FOCUS on how you want see yourself in a relationship and in your lifeTake small steps to keep moving in that direction.For example, maybe you decide to say thank you more often for the little things that your partner does.These five simple but effective practices, along with the simple rule of letting go of the expectation that the other person needs to change, will help you pave a way for a much stronger, healthier and a more loving relationship.Next >